8.13.2009

Precious Moments

































For all you Precious Moments Lover’s

Florida Biker Bar


A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson's death.

........ .. … … .. ….... .. . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . …
.. ... ... .. ... ... ... .... .... ...... ...
... ... ..... ..... .. ... . . … .. . . . ..... . .....
... .... .... ......... .... .... .... ...... ..... ..... .. . . .... ..... .. . . . .. . .. .
........... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ...
.. .... ... ... ..... ..... .. .. ... .... .. . . . . . ..
.. … .. .. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . .. . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

Dear Dogs and Cats

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack… Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me does not help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't.. (2) If you do not want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That is why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and do not speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Thunder Explained

If you hear a loud noise in the sky, it isn't thunder, it's Elvis beating the shit out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

How to Tell The Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

8.12.2009

Top Twellve Indicators the Economy is Bad

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market. 8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

6.22.2008

Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

3.13.2008

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

2.21.2008

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT!
.
.
.


2.14.2008


An elephant asked a camel , "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."

2.12.2008















1.30.2008




1.27.2008







1.22.2008


1.16.2008

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their "nooner": it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer", said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?", asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good", said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?", asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

-----------------------------------------------------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

----------------------------------------

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said yes. When he went to wipe his backside there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked,"What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun andif I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked Him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, You scared the shit out of him!"

1.09.2008

Answer to the Age Old Question-

Why do women live longer than men?





----------------------------------------------------------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------------------





The Ass Family.....


The latest, "must have" grill accessory!

1.07.2008

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

1.01.2008

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year!


This year I resolve to:
Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away-



I will always check for paper before leaving the restroom_

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit-



I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case" -

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.-



I will no longer park the BMW next to the fire hydrant-


And, never again will I try to defuse an explosive devise with a known practical joker-

12.24.2007

Merry Christmas!

2007 Naked Fireman

My Favorite!.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


12.15.2007

The Man Rules-

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
-------------------------
Go ahead and send it to all your man friends. Click the little envelope below and email it to them.

12.14.2007



Waiting for Friday.....










Here it comes...




Here it comes....



Here it comes......
.
Yeahhhh! Have a nice weekend!

12.06.2007

Santa, Santa, here I am,
You really are my favorite man.
I have one more wish list for you to see.
And oh... how happy I would be!


A Laga Design would be so sweet,
These Handbags just can't be beat!

Coffee from The Mad Roaster ,
would taste much better than a toaster.


A handle means I have to work. So.. nothing with a handle please.
A candle from Peter G..... is something that I would enjoy.

Tub Truffles in my bath, oh... some yummy stuff,
but without a site I'm all in a huff! (Maybe next year)

Seokat would like to give me kitty mitties and cash,
with this I could make a mad dash. (for the mall)


So Santa (and anyone else that reads this) won't you vote for me,
Oh what a wonderful Christmas it will be!
- Thanks!