A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their "nooner": it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer", said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?", asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good", said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?", asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said yes. When he went to wipe his backside there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked,"What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun andif I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked Him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, You scared the shit out of him!"